So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye.....

Well this is it. For those few who have been following me let me first apologize for my lack of blogging but say thank you for checking in to see if anything was new. But alas, the time has come for me to end this blog.
I thought that at first I would have tons of time and it was a great way for me to get some writing out. Well then I realized its more of a journal, but I already keep one. Then I thought its a way for people to see what I'm up to but I have Facebook. By the time it came for me to write on my blog I was tired. I had said everything or I had already written it down multiple times. So I really didn't want to put any effort in. So slowly but surely I figured out that I wouldn't be using this as a journal, at least not yet.
As for my writing well, a lot of that ends up being for school or it's not done yet. My life is too busy to finish a lot of my ideas that I have been jotting down so that I might complete them later. So I guess my dream of putting my writing up here and letting all the world to see and some day getting a movie deal like "Julie and Julia" is not meant to be.
My last reason for ending the blog is life is just too busy right now. I have enough on my plate and I feel bad that I don't get a chance to write on my blog or read my friend's blogs. Maybe in a year or two life won't be as busy as it has been this year and I'll try this blog thing again.
I look forward to reading everyone's even though I won't be updating mine anymore,and will eventually deleting it all together. But thanks to you bloggers out there for letting me into your lives and being so on top of the blogging world. I hope some day to learn from all of you. So in the words of the beloved Lavar Burton from Reading Rainbow, "I'll see ya next time."

Late Thoughts.

It's late and I should be in bed right now, especially after the long weekend that I've had. But yet here I am sitting on my $15 couch I bought at Savers in my little apartment thinking. I'm always thinking. Tonight I had a discussion with a few people about well, life I guess. At least many factors dealing with life, dating, marriage, communication, justice, mercy, wants, needs, gospel subjects, leaders, agency, the list goes on. It was a discussion I started. I had a question, a comment a need to get something out and get opinions, and as I did I realized some things....I shouldn't ask for opinions haha. I value others opinions immensely, and I love hearing what people have to say. Most of the time I have already thought about it, or have come to the same conclusion, but I feel as though I need to hear it from others. Usually I'll add comments or questions just to keep it going and see what people say. I want to see how they come up with an answer, or back up a statement. I love seeing the differences in people, even if at the same time I'm frustrated by it.
Sometimes at the end of these discussions I feel as though people look at me in a different way, and I kinda like that. I like for them to see different sides of me, to realize I don't necessarily fit the mold they have put me in. I like keeping people on their toes about me. I am a box of chocolates, ya never know what you're gonna get. Well ya never know what I'm going to say or how I will say it. It certainly makes life more entertaining.
By the end of this talk, I honestly must say that I have felt enlightened by the whole thing, but I'm still int he same mindset from the beginning. Although it hasn't changed my initial answer to my question, I feel that I gained something, I gained a deeper connection with my friends and people. And as I sit here, knowing I should have been in bed an hour or so ago, I continue to sit, and type and let my thoughts fly about until they are too tired and they need a rest.
It's late and finally my thoughts are beginning to cease and in fact I'm not sure how much sense this blog makes, but I made it, and it's out there for me to remember this moment and how I was able to clear my thoughts for once in my life.

My New Sonnet

I had to write this sonnet for class and was inspired by North and South and my co workers trying to get me to go to F.Y.E. and get some food on our way back to work. So here it is. enjoy!

Dollar Menu Temptation Sonnet

My heart does bid me hence but I must not.

For when temptation such desires come do,

Of payment I canst hardly see to ought

The strength of man for self of me hold true.

For lo, could I then be persuaded thus,

As Satan’s apple was to mother Eve?

To give of my farthing creates a fuss,

Upon my face my senses do take leave.

Enticements by the smell I shan’t give in.

Hold strong the way of inner carnal lust

Or gravitate toward human’s deadly sin,

Where veins of life will then be turned to dust.

Confess must I as angels stand to see,

Alas, Wendy’s frosty was ate by me.

Coinsidence, I Think Not

Sunday was my ward conference and the stake president was the last one to speak. He quoted a poem at the end of his talk. As I listened to just a portion of the poem I wrote down the title not remembering or hearing the author's name, so that I could read it later. Then later this week as I was going through more of the poems I was assigned to read there it was, the poem that I heard a day earlier in church, The Lamb, by Blake.
As I read the poem I pictured a mother telling this poem to a young child as a bed time story. I love how there are such huge questions, cosmic questions, and yets its meant to be understood by all ages. I also love how a lot of the examples or questions that are presented can be taken in a personal childlike way. You could replace the word lamb for child or son. Every child is a child of God and its a very easy way to associate that principle with this poem by replacing the word. It brings God to a level that the reader can understand. The poem compares Him with us mere mortals.
In a way I could see this poem being taken from Psalms in the Bible. I think it would fit very nicely. After all it was meant to be song.

Is it worse to have dreams that you cant obtain or to not have any dreams at all and so there isn’t any disappointment? Is it bad to be content or is it bad to not be? If asked if I’m content with life I say yes. Everything is going well, I’m progressing, I have a good family and good friends, a good job, a good car, I have things that I need and even things that I want. There should be no complaints. Yet, even with my life as good as it is I look to the side and see my dreams far off in the distance. Are they achievable? Are they realistic? Logic tells me no. Sometimes dreams shouldn’t come true. I’ve been glad of the few dreams I’ve given up. Do I think I could have reached them? Yes, with no doubt in my mind, I know I would not have only reached them but I would have been good at them. But that wasn’t for me. My path is being lead to somewhere different.
I guess we are always struggling with us making the path or us following the path. As humans we don’t want to show our weakness, and I think by not reaching our goals and being ok with that is a sign of weakness, in a human nature setting which can also be known as being prideful. But if we are content and are willing to submit it’s a far better thing we do to be content and be directed and realize we don’t know what’s better for us all the time. So in conclusion I’ve come to the decision that its good to be content with how life it but its also good to have ambitions and dreams, as long as we don’t begin to regret or despise our current conditions.

Lessons From a Book

Today I just finished reading a book. The book is called "Left To Tell". Its the story of a surivor of the Rwanda genocide of mid '90's. It's a truely inspirational story. During this womans ordeal she always managed to find God and keep Him in her thoughts. She constantly prayed, not only to keep herself safe, or friends and family members but eventually she prayed for her enemies. To soften their hearts, and to have devil come out of them.
As I read this womans heroing story I thought of my own life. I haven't had anything come close to comapre with the horrific tradgities that she had, but I thought of my own life. Here was I just the night before wallowing in self pity over such trivial things and being angry and frustrated and tired form a long says drive. I would playfully throw a pillow across the room as a reaction to my sitution and huff and puff and give a sour face. Here was I thinking how life will enver be better, how life will never change and I'll never reach my goals because life is out to get me.
I feel so ashamed. My life is nothing that this woman's was, or other peoples are around the world. I have a wonderful life, and there is no reason or excuse for me to act that way. Yes some of it was in a childlike fun, but I'm better than that. After reading this woman's miraculous story I only wish I could be half of who she is. The faith, the optimism, the trust, the love, the courage, the forgiveness. It makes me want to do better. It makes me not want to wallow and to want to be angry or hold any malice in my heart for fellow children of God.
For my new beginning I want to find the strength and courage to be the better person. To think well of others, to make my enemies my friends. I feel like I shouldn't care about these miniscule problems in my life. There are worse things. I need to be thankful for what I have. All I want to do is whats right.

Breaking in the New House

Parking in the driveway was something new this year. It was December the 24th, Christmas Eve, and I was coming to my parents new house. I walked in with multiple luggage in hands and a plate of homemade snickerdoodles (one of my favorites) and trying to figure out where to go to put everything down.

To say coming to a new house, and a new area for Christmas was strange would be wrong. It was strange. The room I was in wasn't mine, the bed I was in wasn't mine, the layout of now the tiny house wasn't mine. How unfamiliar everything was. Yes, the stuff was my parents. I recognized the decorations, some of the furniture and of course my parents, but everything else was new. I didn't know where everything was. For example where were the cups? Here I am thirsty after the long travel I didn't even know where to get a cup. I had to have my mom get it for me as i stood there like a helpless child unsure what to do or where to go.

I noticed how the decorations were placed in different areas. In fact everything was. Everything was rearranged and although I knew it all, I still felt lost. All I wanted was to be back in my house in little ole Calimesa. The house where I knew where everything was. The green trash can in the laundry room, the silverware by the stove, and the little shepherd lamb by the fireplace and the couch.....well existing. Apparently they were waiting for their new couch to be delivered.

Yep new couch, new bookshelves, new cabinets, new entertainment center where was I? Where did they bring me? This is my house. This is fake an impostor to my world. And yet here is where I must stay for this holiday season. Oh the constant change that comes with life.

At first it was weird, especially as we sat down for dinner and what a dinner it was. We never had such a cultural Christmas Eve dinner before. But times were changing and there were only 3 of kids for that night. And as my mom brought out new silverware and dishes and such I was informed that they had all this stuff from their wedding but never used it! The running joke, was anything new must have been from their wedding.

But as we talked and laughed and made jokes, I realized that even if this wasn't my house, it was my home. My parents, my sister and brother. They were my home. It wasn't the stuff it was the people. And even if it was better that the other siblings couldn't come due to space, it was as it should be; family enjoying each others company and having fun, coming together to celebrate Christ's birth into this world and thanking Him for all that He gave to us. So even though the house, the neighbors, the simple fact that we actually park the car in the garage is new and different, it's still full of the one thing that is constant in my life, the love of my family.